


We seriously need to work on our communication...

by screamingwriter



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Feelings, Flirting, Jealousy, Kisses, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Suicide, Self-Discovery, Sexual Content, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, basically everything that makes 13 reasons why, my continuation of what a season 5 could of and should of been, post season 4 because ugh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:00:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24564235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamingwriter/pseuds/screamingwriter
Summary: Basically this is going to be my season 5 of 13 Reasons Why because season 4 was literally unbelievable and I refuse to see Alex Standall who is my main man, have to experience insta love with Charlie (bless him but he's so random) and also have the lead up that was the Alex and Zach relationship end the way it did.So read if you want to experience a season 5 with a much better ending for our boys and also drama and more drama because I am bringing that to the table. This fic will continue with Alex heading to Berkeley and how Zach decided to join him as well as everything that happened the summer before they headed to college.... what happened after Zach decided to leave at the begining of summer? Where did he go and what happened to make him come back and will Alex and Zach be able to go back to how things were before?
Relationships: Zach Dempsey & Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	1. What comes next.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Zachs lives after leaving Liberty High and their town.... we also find out what happened between getting to college and the summer spent before college. 
> 
> Theres some kisses, a flashback to the night Zach decided to split and disappear for the summer and how he ended up at UC Berkeley where his best friend also currently attended and how certain people react to Zach showing up out of the blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at summaries and I am sorry in advance for the shit summaries---but here we go, first chapter and i know, pretty heavy on the Charlie and Alex but give me time and Zalex will rise.

_What comes next....?_

Alex wouldn't lie, he never really saw himself leaving Liberty High, as morbid as it sounds, he hadn't imagined ever getting out of this town. Not after Hannahs death--not after the tapes and knowing what she'd went through, not after almost killing himself, not after the aftermath of his brain injury--the point was and is that he didn't picture graduating highschool. He didn't picture a summer spent finally happy and comfortable with himself and with a guy who cared about him and who he also cared about. 

And he sure as fuck didn't picture himself showing up at college and unpacking his shit into his dorm room. 

"Can't believe I'm dating a college man..." 

Alex felt the smile tug on his lips but he simply shook his head and scoffed, he turned and rolled his eyes at Charlie who stood in the doorway with his arms folded against his chest and a riduculous grin. "You're an idiot." But Alex dropped his box and strode over to the boy, he grasped his hips and pulled Charlie close for a kiss. Alex felt the smile against Charlies lips and the boy pulled back, he did the thing that Alex pretended to hate but actually loved. 

Charlie nuzzled their noses together and leaned their forehead to press together, "Yeah but you love me so I'll say it again--My boyfriend is a college man and thats kinda hot as hell so....." Before Alex managed to say anything else---Charlie leaned in and kissed the words right out of his mouth. 

Alex felt himself getting lost in the kiss and didn't realize the hand he had on Charlies hip had moved to the boys lower back and he'd begun pulling him closer so that he'd be flush against him. 

A phone beeped and soon Charlie was pulling away and Alex was forcing himself to breathe and settle--he cleared his throat as Charlie pulled his phone out and read the message he'd just gotten. Alex recoginized the expression and knew the moment they'd both been dreading had come. 

Charlie needed to go back and he wouldn't be back for a few weeks. 

"Your dad loves me--I say fuck it and you let me try and convince him to let you come back next weekend." Alex mumured, he bit his lip and sighed when Charlie gave him a knowing look. Alex rolled his eyes and groaned, "Yeah, yeah, yeah--I know, you guys have a deal and school comes first and he made it clear that he'd be fine with you staying up here on weekends in the near future when its clear that you can manage school and having a long distance relationship and the possible strain it might have on your academics..."

Charlie raises his eyebrows and he chuckles, he leans forward for another brief kiss and lets out a real laugh this time, "I can't believe you actually quoted my dad word for word." 

Alex shook his head and he made the dramatic move out of Charlies arms and turned his back to him, "Yeah well you try imagining going a few weeks without your boyfriend who by the fucking way, you've spent all summer with." Alex smiled as Charlies arms slid around him to his front and he felt the boys nose nuzzle against his neck.

"We will facetime loads and you know you're coming back for my first game so try and survive your Charlie drought until then," Charlie whispered and twisted Alex around and pressed another kiss to his lips. Alex rolled his eyes and with his arms now looped around Charlies neck, he nodded his head, "Fine---but you better go because I might decide to barricade us inside and never let you leave." 

Charlie grinned and with a final kiss, he said, "I love you and I'll see you Friday at the game." Alex hummed and he nodded, "I love you too and yeah-- for like four hours but.... go--I mean it--go." Alex pressed a quick kiss to his lips and reached for the doorknob and pulled it open. 

"Tell Jessica hi and have a great first night," Charlie said as he tried to breathe through the sudden emotions flooding through him and Alex. He stood in the hall and for both of them, they both knew they'd better shut the door before those emotions decided to show. 

Alex shut the door and he swallowed hard as he leaned against the back of the door, he glanced around the dorm and let out a breath. He was here and he got himself here and he was proud of himself. He took a deep breath and exhaled as he realized this was his life now... no more being the kid whose friend killed herself and left a bunch of reasons as to why and being the kid who as one of those reasons... no more being the dude who shot himself and "failed,"

His phone beeped and Alex's smile drifted away and he glanced at the screen, _I'll see you back for the first Liberty game._ Alex wished that his lips would've tugged at the corners, he wished that he'd feel this happiness rush through him but he didn't. Instead he thought about how he'd be going back to the place he'd lived, survived and left--as well as who he left in the town he called home... and he wasn't talking about Charlie. 

Alex felt a tug. 

_Charlie..... you love him and that should be enough of a damn reason to go back whenever you can._

Alex clicked out of the message and into Spotify, music flowed through the room as Alex started to unpack and settle into his new home. 

\---------

Zach knew that he most likely should have told everyone his decision. He seriously should've let the others know his plans so that they weren't totally fucking shocked when he showed up on campus... he should've talked to the others during the summer. 

"What the actual fuck are you doing here?" 

Zach bit his lip as he met the shocked eyes of Jessica Davis, he nervously chuckled and gave a small wave, "Hi....?" Zach could make out all the different thoughts running through the girls head, _where and why and when did you get here? Where the hell have you been?_ Before she could even unleash the mess of questions, Zach figured now would be the perfect time to slip in one other thing that he'd left out. 

"Guess who's also attending UC Berkeley...?" 

Jessica hit him. Hard. And proceeded to pull Zach, who had to pretend not to be as shocked as he was by the girls strength, into her dorm. Within seconds, he was pushed onto a bed and on his ass with Jess pointing a finger at him, "I'll ask again because clearly I missed the fucking memo--what are you doing here and what do you mean you're attending fucking Berkeley?" 

Zach tried for a grin but it faltered when he saw the geninue anger on Jessicas face, he blew out a breath and bowed his head because yeah... she deserved to be angry. 

See, Zach left after graduation. He just picked up and put his shit into storage and left. He told everyone the day after they buried Hannahs tapes that he was done and he needed to get away. At the time--he'd mentioned that he wanted to study music and he wanted to, he seriously did--but after the burial and after that night. Even sober for the first time in forever, he realized that there was people who would never have the chance to leave this town and go and experience the next part of their lives... and even though Zach wanted to remember that he needed to be grateful that he had the chance, he couldn't. 

Zach tried to push away the memory of the night and the day where things seemed to go down hill so he asked, "Are you mad at me still?" Zach watched Jessica scoff and yeah, she was and he understood why... she definently ended up in the shit show that happened after graduation. 

_"I don't understand, you got another chance--you said you wanted to study music." Jessica asked in disbelief, she looked around the room and mirrored the expressions on their friends faces. She had every right to be pissed because Zach knew what she'd say next. "You're alive, Zach. You can go to college instead of being in the fucking ground." Jessicas voice cracked and her eyes flickered to Clay who sat on his bed... his own eyes flickered to the bed across from the one he sat on._

_Suddenly Jessica grabbed his chin and tight, her breathing was shallow and she leaned in, her eyes searching for any signs of Zach being anything other than sober. He welcomed the flash of pain from the girls nails and didn't tug away from her grip._

_"You have the chance to do something with your life... we all fucking do.." Jessica snapped, her nails dug further in as her voice rose and Zach didn't hide the flinch that made his way across his face._

_He didn't pull away._

_Instead it was the person who'd said nothing and the person that meant the most to Zach._

_Alex tugged Jessica back and he steered her into the arms of Tony who only glanced down in disappointment and sadness._

_"She's right and you damn well know it." Alex said, his voice softer and quieter, he stepped closer to his best friend and kept their eyes locked. He didn't look mad, he looked confused and Zach hated that Alex felt so out of the loop--especially after everything they 'd went through._

_He didn't just jump in and make his decision over night--well he did but it wasn't like Zach just up and decided to not go to college or take up his coaching position at Liberty... but he knew for a fact that if he did go to college while one of his best friends hadn't even gotten the chance to--or to graduate with everyone... Zach wouldn't manage a day sober... and he sure as hell wouldn't be able to keep his sobriety walking the halls of Liberty where so many memories lived._

_"You have to understand why I'm doing this," Zach whispered, he kept his eyes on Alex solely and forgot that there were five other people in the room. He took a breath because it felt like there were a limited amount in his chest, "I need to get out of here and figure out my shit--I need to get out of this goddamn town and away from people who constantly remind me how fucking cruel life is." Zach let his head drop and he heard a sigh come from Alex who reached over and laid a hand on his shoulder, he felt the boys fingers press against his shoulder and the pressure kept Zach steady._

_"College... its that place where young adults like us, figure out our shit and start fresh," Alex said, his fingers moved to massage the tense shoulder that was under his fingertips and Zachs eyes flickered up and their eyes met, he didn't expect to see the sadness swimming in them._

_"I didn't say I wasn't going to college--I can't be here any longer and I can't spend fucking summer here... I think it's better for me to get out now... i just can't be in the place with people that remind me of the shit that happened."_

_Zach knew instantly that he fucked up somehow because the warm hand vanished and his best friend almost stumbled back. Alex looked at him in a way that had Zach wishing that whatever he said wrong---whatever stupid, inconsiderate thing he said in that moment, that he could take it all fucking back._

_"You mean us? We're the ones that remind you of the fucked up shit we went through? And what, you don't want to be reminded that we got through that shit? Are you fucking saying that you can't be around me--us? Alex asked, his voice littered with pain and anger. He blinked back the sudden tears that stupidly wanted to escape and Alex felt even more angrier at himself because he stupidly wanted to cry._

_Zach registered what he said and god, he seriously was an idiot and he could only shake his head which was pathetic and clearly hurt Alex even more._

_"So you've already made this decision? You're leaving and what, not coming back?" Alex asked, his words shook and he curled his fingers into fists at his sides. He looked as if he didn't want an actual reply and Zach couldn't give him one. Because yeah. right now, the decision was to go and that's all he had on the agenda._

_"I don't know--I only know that I'm leaving soon and I know this is a asshole move but I need it--this."_

_Alex said nothing for a few minutes and Zach could feel Jessicas eyes burning a hole into his head and god, Zach could feel the sadness radiating off of Clay. Zach felt it all bounce onto him and he felt the tightness in his throat again... the tightness he'd felt since he'd gotten his diploma and left high school officially. This. This was why he needed to get out--he needed to be able to fucking breathe._

_"Do you know where you're going at least?" Tyler asked from his spot at the counter, he pushed off of it and padded over. He bit the bottom of his lip and spoke again, "I get it. I get why you need to do this and I support you." And Zach knew Tyler meant it--it was weeved into every word. Zach felt relief and a gush of anger because yeah, Tyler understood and Zach knew that._

_Not everyone can come back for senior year to the place where the worst possible thing happened._

_Zach smiled sadly, "Thanks, dude. T-That means a lot." his eyes flickered to Alex who stared at the floor of Clays garage like it was the most interesting thing he'd ever laid his eyes on. Zach stood up, he brushed past Alex and the boy recoiled as if Zachs accidental touch burned but he forced himself to forget that and instead hug Tyler who clapped him on the back._

_"I guess I get it too--it's not easy being reminded of the shit that went down.... so I guess all I can say is, y'know, good luck and I hope you find somewhere that you can be happy." Tony spoke as he gently reached around Jessica and offered a hand. Zach carefully grasped it and shook, he wouldn't avoid Jessicas eyes. He respected her enough to lift his head and meet her eyes, even for only a second as the girl raised her hand and slapped him._

_She leaned in and through tears and anger, said, "Justin would've given anything to spend his summer with his friends and go to school in the fall." Jess didn't waste another second after she spat those words, she shoved past Zach and left the garage... Clay would soon follow and say nothing. He'd simply pat Zachs shoulder and go to check on Jessica._

_Even though Clay was hurting, he knew that if there was one person who understood the pain and sadness he felt--it'd be Jessica and he would honor his brother and make sure she was okay._

_Zach watched the door shut and he sighed, he turned back to Alex. He stared at his best friend and swallowed hard, "I know you're mad but I'll see you in a few months... once I finally settle."_

_**Once I find somewhere that doesn't make me feel guilty for being alive. Once I settle into a place that I'm able to breathe in. Once I'm able to look you and our friends in the eyes without having to consume alcohol or drugs.** _

_It was everything that Zach wanted to say. It was everything that Zach needed to say to Alex---to all of them._

_And it was the reason Zach needed to go. Because not being able to say this shit to his best friend was obviously messed up. And Zach didn't want to be messed up anymore._

_“I’ll call you. We’ll talk, man.”_

Zach remembered that day as if he’d left only yesterday. He meant it at the time. And he meant it this summer. 

But Zach hadn’t spoken to Alex since that day.

And that wasn’t by his choice either.

”I’m not going to slap you again.” Jessica said, she looked good. Zach noticed that, she didn’t look like the Jessica he left behind this summer. 

She stood poised and her face didn’t hold the sadness that it did before. She looked healthier, her face wasn’t sunken in and her eyes weren’t dark and empty anymore.

”I wouldn’t blame you if you did but thanks,” Zach said with a chuckle, he straightened and smoothed a hand down on the bed. Her room looked nice and homey. ”So uh, I’m going here... Berkeley, I mean.” Zach said, nervousness dancing in between his words. 

Jessica inhaled sharply but nodded her head, she gave Zach a smile which he’d admit, startled him. 

“I’m happy you decided to go to school.” 

Zachs eyes slid to a random corner of Jessica’s room, he took his lip in between his teeth and spoke slowly. “You were right. Course you were right—I just couldn’t really picture going to college and starting this new important thing... when y’know—certain people didn’t even get the chance.” 

Zach thought about it a lot. Almost most of summer actually. He racked his brain constantly about what decision he’d be forced to make. 

Would he continue on with going day by day and figuring his shit out as those days went by? Or would he go back to accept one of the only two offers and options he had? 

Berkelys acceptance for music.   
Coaching position at Liberty. 

”UC Berkeley was actually the only place I got accepted so... I didn’t really have a choice to come here. Kinda fucked up my college applications because I was shitfaced through most of them.” Zach said, he didn’t really like talking or even thinking about his drinking problems. 

Surprisingly it’d been harder to not pick up a bottle then he thought when taking off at the beginning of summer. 

Thankfully, he could say that he remained sober for most of the summer. 

”I’m surprised, I woulda thought you’d head anywhere that wouldnt remind you of well us and where we came from.” 

Zach sighed and he shifted on the bed, he thought a lot about that. He knew coming here and coming back would mean he would be coming back to the memories of everything. He knew he would see the others and what would come with seeing them. 

”I made a choice and I’m happy with it.” 

Jessica looked a bit unsure and mostly because of the look of hesitancy that littered Zachs face. He seemed anxious.

”If you wanted—you could of waited until the next academic year and applied to different schools.” Jessica suggested, she sat in a chair wedged in the corner and pulled her legs up under her. 

Zach shook his head, “No—I’m in a great place and it’s better for me if I jump into this now... That way I don’t risk being in a shitty place next year and missing my chance again.”

”So Berkeley... a for real thing for you?” Jessica asked. 

Zach sucked in a breath and nodded, he bit on his lip for a moment before saying confidently, “Yes this is a real fucking thing.” He smiled at Jessica who didn’t return it. She looked at Zach still unsure. 

”What?” Zach asked. 

Jessica’s phone rang before she could speak and whatever or whoever was on that screen made the girls expression worsen. 

”Jess?” 

The girl cleared her throat and glanced up, she was the one to suck in a breath and bite her lip. She looked nervous.

”It’s Alex....” she said. 

Zachs eyebrows rose and he swallowed hard. 

”What the hell are you going to say to Alex?” 

Ah. That. 

Zach hummed, he fiddled with his fingers and sighed, “I’m gonna need a few days to figure that out.” How do you just show up and expect your best friend to talk to you after well—not talking you for almost four months? How do you even approach someone who clearly was still very angry? 

Because yeah, Zach knew Alex was angry still. 

How? 

Well—Zachs number had been blocked and he knew that because for the last 11 weeks of calling—his call had gone through and rang. 

But last week, the 12th week since he’d left at the beginning of summer—it’d not rung and Zach knew what that meant.   
  


“Few days?” Jessica asked, glancing at her phone once more. She let out a noise, “Yeah I think you have about five minutes before Alex gets here....” 

Zach jerked to his feet, his eyes widened and the possibility of seeing his best friend—of seeing Alex—after all this time sent fucking chills down his spine. 

Because shit... Zach had only prepared to see Jessica and test the waters before going to see Alex.

Zach thought about running out of the room like an idiot and trying to make it down the dorm building and to his car but Jessica’s damn building had stairs and surely if Alex was five fucking minutes away—Zach would surely run into him and he so didn’t want to accidentally run past him in a fucking stairwell. 

Zach was fast. Surely he could open the door and escape into the hallway and ditch into a empty hall closet—fuck.

“If god exists—he’s punishing me.” Zach exclaimed. He let out a angry grunt as he pulled open the dorm room door and bolted.   
  


Or fucking tried because yeah god was punishing him—totally.   
  


It was possibly the worst scenario ever because Zach and his noddle limbs ended up crashing into the person he was bolting from.

Zach felt Alex’s smaller frame against his and the two chaotically made their way onto the hallway floor.

it was a cruel twist of fate.

Because Zach ended up straight on top of Alex. Their fucking faces lined up and Zach could feel Alex’s feet meet his ankles and tangle their legs together.

”Zach....?”

Zach squeezed his eyes shut as he fell and he didn’t open them—he couldn’t because damnit, life was playing him right now.   
  


life was getting back at him for the things he did. 

Slowly and hesitantly, Zach peeked an eye open and he squeezed them shut again when he saw half of a shocked Alex’s face. 

People moving in and Jessica who gaped started chattering and peered around the mess that was Zach and Alex. 

“What the hell are you doing here, asshole?” Alex whispered angrily, his fingers had found Zachs shoulders and he dug. 

It was probably a shit thing to say but it came out in the heat of the moment—it came out because he was on top of his best friend. On top of the fucking guy he’d left behind almost three months ago. 

“I could’ve told you that if you picked up the phone.” Zach exclaimed. 

Zach would’ve slapped a hand over his mouth if it wasn’t pinned under Alex’s back.... 

He heard Jessica curse, “Oh for fucksakes, Zach.” 


	2. Is this even worth the time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Zach—their first meeting since after graduation hadn’t exactly been imagined this way... 
> 
> Zach didn’t imagine the first few things he say to his best friend after weeks was, “Is that your phone or are you happy to see me?” It slipped out and he deserved the shove that came with it. 
> 
> Read Chapter 2 to answer the questions that the previous chapter left you with.  
> Why did Alex block Zach? Where are the rest of their friends? What’s Alex and Zach feeling really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback on the first chapter! I was nervous as hell but you guys are amazing and special shout-out to my Zalex tumblr group chat for the extra support :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

Zachs lanky body landed on Alex and the shorter boy had been tucked under Zachs arms so that his body didn’t slam against the hallway floor. 

It’s a mess. The whole damn situation. 

On the floor and on top of Alex was new and something that made Zachs lips tug up and without even thinking about it, he asked, "Is that your phone or are you happy to see me?" 

Zach can barely register the hard shove come from Alex because damn, it’s actually a hard one and it makes Zach fumble. 

”Get the fuck off of me,” Alex spat, he continued to shove Zachs long ass body until he could pull himself up. 

With the help of a bystander because yeah, he still had his damn brain injury fucking up his leg. 

He couldn’t even believe that Zach sat on the hallway in front of him. He couldn’t believe his own damn eyes because there was no way, that Zach would have the balls to show up at Berkeley. No way he’d show up and not come knocking on Alex’s door. 

Alex was pissed. He wouldn’t deny that. He wouldn’t deny that he did indeed not pick up the damn phone. But he did that for one reason. 

he wanted his best friend—the guy who stuck by his side through the hardest time in his life—to show up. To come back and not throw away the relationship they had. 

Did it work? Was that why he was here? Did he realize that enough is enough and stop being a prick and come for Alex?

Did he pick up and set off when he realized that Alex wouldn’t even let his calls go through? 

“What are you even doing here?” 

For you. 

”It’s the only place where I got in.” 

Not the answer Alex wanted or.... needed. He sucked in a breath sharply and glanced around, people had resumed their lives and now a few nosey people peeled their heads out of their dorm rooms. 

Alex wouldn’t let Zach see how much that answer hurt so he played it off, he asked flatly, “Not here as in this school—here as in Jessica’s fucking dorm.”

Zach stood up from the floor and he glanced around, he gestured for Alex to step into the girls room.

All three of them went inside and Jessica awkwardly made an excuse to run outside the room. 

”I needed to see her—to apologize to her.” 

Alex scoffed and he bit his lip, he couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t fucking believe it. It took everything in him to not fucking scream _what about me?_

Maybe Zach could read Alex’s kind—maybe he could tell that he wanted to say more to that. Maybe Alex said it out loud. 

“I was going to head to your dorm next... I just owed Jessica a fucking apology for the asshole person I was.”

Alex sighed and let out a curse, he threw his hands up frustrated and confused. “What the hell happened to you? Where’d you fucking go? And why—why didn’t you come back and visit? I mean—it didn’t have to be back to that town... I’d have met you a-anywhere.” Alex exclaimed. His words wavering and his fingers clenching into a fist. 

“You didn’t pick up the phone, dude.” 

Alex hadn’t but apart of him thought that if he’d ignored Zachs calls and let it ring... he’d be forced to come back. 

”We were best friends and you called once a week—you didn’t reply to texts, or face time calls—you called me once a week and I was expected to be okay with just that?” Alex asked in disbelief. 

Zach sat on the edge of Jessica’s bed and he shrugged, he shrugged because he didn’t know. “I had shit to work on.”

Alex wanted to scream out in frustration. Did that mean cutting out the people in his life? He knew the others might not understand certain things but Zach... he and Alex we’re dealing with some of the same shit. 

”And you could only spare one phone call a week?” Alex asked. 

He did what he did to Bryce. Zach mightve beat the shit out of him and left him for dead... but Alex pushed him and walked away. 

And Alex knew what it felt to have an injury fuck up your life and plans.

Alex knew what he was going through. 

“I’m sorry but I had things to work on.” 

Alex let out a laugh, flat and cold and he shook his head, “Oh yeah? And did you—did you work on your things? Are you better now? God, is this even worth the time?” It was an asshole round of questions and Alex only felt slightly guilty for throwing them at the boy. 

A muscle in Zachs jaw jumped and for the first time, Alex took in the boy. He took in how Zachs hair was little longer than before, but he made it work by it being a little floppy and pushed into place. He noticed the lack of bags under his eyes. 

”You know what, yeah, I think I’m better... at least better than I was before. Which is why I’m here.” Zach said, his eyes landed on Jessica’s nightstand and Alex’s eyes followed. 

A photo of Justin and Jessica sat. Both smiling and in love. 

”I can think about my good friend without breaking down... I know you don’t agree with why and how I sorted my shit but my shit is sorted—not all of it but dude, I’m good... I’m feeling great and I’m ready to embrace this future shit.” Zach said. 

Alex stared at Justin’s picture. He sighed and thought about Jess who spent summer crumbled up one minute and thriving the other. Everyday could be great but only for a little while because than she’d realize the love of her life was still gone. 

Clay. He didn’t have his shit together. Alex was sure that he was on meds now. A few conversations with the brother he had prompted Lanie and Matt. 

Tony and Tyler were doing their things. Both great and working hard. 

”You ruined the sincerity of that with all the talk of your shit.” 

Zach slid his eyes back over to Alex and narrowed his eyes. There was a pause before he burst out laughing. 

”Yeah—I guess I did... sorry.” 

Alexs mouth tugged into a smile. A small one but it was there and Zachs eyes twinkled a little when he saw it. 

”I am sorry—for dropping off the earth like that. It was right for me but of course hurt you and I didn’t want to hurt you, I swear.” Zach said, his voice softer than before, he reached forward and he bumped his knuckles against Alex’s. “You’re the one person I never meant to hurt.” 

Alex swallowed and glanced down. To the hand at his side and the feeling of Zachs knuckles against his. He let out a unsteady breath and nodded. 

”I know—you were only doing what was best for you and I get that... it was just hard for me.” 

Zach inhaled like he didn’t think Alex would say that. And a smile flew to his face and hope lingered in his eyes. 

”So... are we okay? Do you think you could forgive me?” 

Alex sighed and didn’t have to think about it. He did however have to punch the shit out of Zachs shoulder. 

A foreign noise flew out of Zachs mouth and his head jerked and he stared at Alex with wide eyes. 

”Ow!” 

Alex chuckled softly and shrugged, “I had to get it out of my system.... and yeah I’ll forgive your sorry ass.” He full on laughed when Zach rubbed at his shoulder with a wince. 

”I probably deserved that.”   
“You know you did.”   
“Damn, you been working out or something? Your right hook is better than before..” 

Alex snorted and tried to shove at the boy on the bed but instead Zach caught his wrist and pulled him forwards. 

It happened so fast and Alex couldn’t help but stumble and barely catch his footing. His hands ended up grasping Zachs broad shoulders and he must’ve looked like a deer caught in head lights. 

It was an awkward and messy situation when it came to what happened next but he made it work. 

Even as thrown as he was. 

Zach pulled him into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around Alexs torso and pulling him flat against him so that Zachs head pressed into Alex’s chest. 

”I’m really fucking sorry, dude.” Zach mumbled.

Alex slowly glanced down, he swallowed hard and the hands on Zachs shoulders didn’t move for a second. Probably because he didn’t know how or where to put them. But slowly and hesitantly he slid them so they’d lock around Zachs neck. 

It was awkward. Zach on the bed with his arms around Alex and face smushed against Alexs chest and abs. 

Zach would note that they were new. 

And Alex with his arms around the boy with his chin tucked against the black floppy hair that came with Zach.

Alex noted that this was probably the most intimate hug he’d ever shared with a person. 

Of course he held Charlie and Charlie held him but this felt different. 

And... fuck. 

Oh sweet fuck. Oh hell to the fuck. Oh fuck on a fucking fuck. 

”I gotta go, man.” The words flew out of Alex’s mouth before he could register them in his brain. 

He as gently as possible unhooked his hands from the back of Zachs neck and slowly pushed the boy away. 

”Alex—“ Zach started. 

Alex spun around, his hand on the door and ready to bounce. He looked over his shoulder and flashed a smile, “No, no, no... were good. I swear! I just—I totally forgot about something and I have to run.” Alex exclaimed, he threw open the door, “I’ll unblock you and we can talk... but later okay?” 

He didn’t give Zach time to protest because he zoomed on the fuck out of there. 

He didn’t get very far. He made it to the place he needed to be and let out a breath. 

Acsessible bathroom. 

”Oh for fucksakes.” Alex whispered. 

He glanced down to his pants. He swore like there was no tomorrow because no. Fuck no. 

He squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn’t fucking hard. He wasn’t... 

Alex opened his eyes and swore again. 

This. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t the time or the place and Zach wasn’t the damn person that was supposed to make him feel this way. 

Whatever way this is. 

”What the fuck is wrong with me?” Alex exclaimed, he titled his head up and stared at the ceiling. 

Because no, no this was wrong. This wasn’t supposed to happen and zach wasn’t supposed to be the one to make it happen. 

Not just because of Charlie but because this was Zach. 

Zach who Alex convinced himself was nothing more than a damn friend. Because he was—Alex convinced himself that the first Zach Boner was because of physical contact. The brushing and contact. 

And the kiss. The disaster of a kiss that supposedly meant nothing because Zach meant nothing more than a friend. 

Zach.... 

Alex closed his eyes and for a moment he thought about the boy and let out a vicious curse because damnit. 

Zach and his arms around him. 

Alex was fucked. 

Apart of him wanted to blame physical contact but he wasn’t touch starved... he and Charlie didn’t spend the summer being monks. And they sure as hell hadn’t spent today not fumbling a bit.

A text. bing. 

Alex slid his phone out of his pocket and groaned. 

_Zach said unblock him. Jessica x_

Alex grunted and shook his head. No no no. He forced the phone into his pocket and with his hands on the sink. He took a few breaths. 

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there. Blowing breaths and being calm but minutes later, he was okay and the situation in his pants was gone. 

_Bing. Seriously do it, he’s being annoying. Jessica x_

Alex bit his lip and he clicked out of Jessica’s message and into contacts. He pressed the button and a flood of messages flew in. 

_You gotta come see my place tomorrow night.  
Not taking any answer other than yes. Zach_

It was the bang on the door that prompted Alex to leave and compose himself.   
This was so not good.

\--------- 

Alex felt like shit. Of course he felt like shit because who the fuck gets hard when committed to someone else--someone he supposedly loved. Charlie was the nicest boy ever and he treated Alex like a king and jesus, he didn't deserve a boyfriend who seemed to be turned on by his best friend or... old best friend? Anyway--Alex felt like shit and when he got back to his dormroom, he so didn't pick up the FaceTime from Charlie... he made a excuse which was again--shitty but he couldn't look him in the eye when he'd just talked himself down off a hard on from another guy. 

It was too messed up--even for Alex which prompted the boy to plop down in bed with his laptop and some music and spend his night under the covers. 

Alex woke up the next morning and hoped he dreamt Zach showing up at his school but that hope was lost when he got a message. 

_Grocery shopping. I need Alex and Zach time and I need groceries so meet me downstairs in like two hours. Zach._

So apparently Alex had until dinner. He let out quite a dramatic groan and laid there. He swore and dialed Charlie’s number.

”Hey you.”   
“Hey yourself—is everything okay?”

Alex heard the worry in Charlie’s voice automatically and he felt like crap. 

”Yeah...I’m sorry I didn’t pick up last night. I totally spaced and I was exhausted from unpacking.” 

Alex only spared the boxes in the corner a glance. 

”Damnit, I knew I should’ve stayed to help. I should’ve told my dad to just wait and—“ Charlie started. Worry even more evident now.

Alexs hand flew to his face and he bit back a grunt, he cleared his throat and tried for a laugh. “Oh come on, if you stayed, we sure as hell wouldn’t spend our evening unpacking.” It was light teasing and flirting and Alex hoped it would relax the boy. 

It did. 

”Well still—I’m sure we’d have got some of your stuff unpacked.” 

Alex considered telling Charlie about Zach. Telling him that the boy had shown up and telling him that he was going to Berkeley. That he and Alex talked and Alex seemingly forgave him. 

He considered it. Seriously he did.   
But Alex spent the summer being in love and having a blast and still made time to vent to Charlie about Zach. 

And Charlie—again sweet as ever. Listened and comforted Alex who at times was unbelievably sad that his best friend was gone. 

So instead, Alex asked his boyfriend how the drive home was and what he was doing today. 

And ya know, Alex kind of hated how easy it was to keep the whole Zach thing from him. He hated it so much that he couldn’t believe that they talked for like more than an hour and he didn’t once mention Zach at Berkeley. 

”You go get something to eat—we will talk tonight, I love you.” Charlie said. 

Alex bit his lip and tugged the covers up more, he was silent for a moment before speaking, “I love you too.” And he meant it. God, Alex meant it. 

Charlie hung up and Alex lay there. He laid there and he thought about it. Charlie was amazing and he loved Alex to pieces. He accepted every part of him. He fucking loved him. 

And laying there, Alex thought about Zach. How the boy spent his time helping him through the worst time in his life. How he helped him literally recover from almost dying. 

And Alex remembered the kiss on the roof. He thought about how all this time since it happened, he kept on telling himself that it was the moment. It was only the curiosity of kissing a guy that made Alex kiss Zach in the first place. And that it was the time and moments spent with Zach during his recovery. 

But laying there, Alex realized that the way he felt for Charlie—he felt it for Zach at one point. 

He loved the feeling he got with Charlie, the ease and trust between them.   
He loved the feeling that Zach could bring out. The excitement and laughter. 

”Fuck me.” Alex muttered. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck on a fucking flying fuck.

Alex loved Zach. He loved him. Of course he loved him. You can’t not love someone who would do anything for you. It’s just before—before Alex thought it was that brother love. Or the best friend love. 

And it was. That’s what it was right now. He wasn’t in love with him. He loved him but not in that way.   
But what kind of fucking love is it when you realize that there might be some non brotherly feelings there? Not even might—definitely don’t get hard from a brother. 

Which is why Alex decided to ignore Zachs message. Cowardly move? Hell yeah but the boy wouldn’t know that he read it. He’d assume that Alex didn’t see it.   
  


At least that’s what Alex hoped. But of course, Zach was Zach and he sent a couple few dozen messages when it came lunch. And Alex ignored them all. 

He got out of bed and made it and proceeded to actually unpack. 

Until the damn knocking. 

The persistent knocking. 

”Yo, Alex.”   
Alex hung his clothes up.   
“Alex—it’s Zach.”   
Folded some of his pants.   
“I know this is your room—I called Jess.”   
Matched up socks.   
“Alright you give me no choice—I’ll break the door in.”   
Alex froze. He wouldn’t....

”Yeah no, he had a brain injury and I’m not gonna wait until you call someone to double check it... He didn’t answer any of my calls or messages and the loud as fuck knocking and complete lack of response isn’t really making me feel good. So I put my foot through the door or you use your master key and shove it—“ 

Alex dropped his shoes and lunged for the door. When he threw it open, he immediately grabbed hold of Zach and tugged him in behind him. 

The RA who looked close to tears gasped and a few people who’d gathered around mumbled something. 

”I am so sorry—he gets like this when he’s worried and I was sleeping—with my phone off and well sorry!” Alex exclaimed as he closed the door before he could see the RA whimper. 

Alex leaned his head against the door. He closed his eyes and took a breath before turning around with a glare on his face. 

”What the fuck, Zach?” 

Alex pictured the poor RAs face and he stared in disbelief at Zach who narrowed his eyes and had folded his arms over his chest. 

”Uh-Uh, I’m the one supposed to be saying that... what the fuck, Alex?” Zach exclaimed, he shook his head and gestured to the bed. 

You could bounce a nickel off it. Not one wrinkle and Alex knew that Zach knew he was a tosser. 

“You weren’t sleeping.” 

Alex let out a groan and held back on rolling his eyes because seriously? Couldn’t life give him a break? 

”Which means you were ignoring me.” 

Alex let out a grunt and he crossed the room to his desk, he sat and watched as Zach plopped on the bed. 

”Which means you haven’t forgiven me and you obviously don’t want to try being friends again.”

Alex groaned and brought his face into his hands. He could tell Zach. He could tell him why he ignored the messages and calls. 

He could say, I’m a bit confused on what I feel for you because my body is reacting a certain type of way and it’s making me more confused because it was a damn hug. 

Or, Alex could lie because it suddenly was starting to become easy for him.

”I ignored your calls because I don’t know if I trust you.” 

Was there a shred of humanity in Alex because the fucking way Zachs face fell made him think not. 

”I mean, I don’t even know if this is going to work—us being friends... because what if shit gets hard for you and you leave again? To god knows where because I don’t know where you went or what you did and I can’t lose you a second time.” 

Alex didn’t even realize the things he said. He didn’t realize that what he was saying wasn’t exactly a lie and instead had more truth than lies. 

“Alex.” 

Alex shook his head and he struggled for words and not because he was trying to come up with some lie. This wasn’t a lie anymore. He felt this and it seriously couldn’t be a worse time to realize it. 

”You show up out of the blue and I say I forgive you right away but like—how can I really when I don’t know shit about where and what you did after you picked up and left? You’re confusing me because you’re making me feel things—“ Alex winced, “N-Nervous and unsure things because I don’t know if I can trust you as a friend.” 

Alex swallowed hard and he stared at Zach who blinked in complete surprise. They sat in silence before Zach cleared his throat. 

”I’m sorry.”   
Alex felt like shit. His eyes fluttered closed and he sighed, opening them he watched Zach stand.   
“I can tell you where and what I did while I was gone. But, I do need to grocery shop and I’m starving so we can talk now while we shop or later when you come over tonight.” 

Alex blanked. He blanked on tonight’s plans. Dinner at Zachs. 

Which Zach noticed because his eyes softened and his face fell, he glanced to his feet and back up to him. “Alex, please. I want to put this behind us. I want you in my life again.” 

Alexs heart pounded. It basically jumped out of his damn chest when Zach stepped closer and pulled him up from his desk chair. 

”I can tell you anything you want to know. I’ll do anything for you to trust me again... I missed you and need you in my life again, man.” Zach said, he slid his hands to Alex’s shoulders and grasped the boy. 

Alex was sure that Zach could hear it. His heart. Beating so loud and fast that it could’ve been alarming. 

And Alex wanted it over so he coughed and nodded, he awkwardly moved out of Zachs grasp and took a step back so that his legs bumped the desk chair. 

”O-Okay... l-let’s go. I’ll listen and we’ll see.” 

Zach grinned and looked as if he was going for a hug but Alex intercepted and patted his shoulder before crossing the room to the door where his backpack was. 

Wallet, keys, phone and go. 

Alex ignored Zachs confused expression as he locked the door behind him and they walked to the boys car. 

Alexs phone dinged as they got inside. Mid buckling up, Alex checked the notification. 

_I need to see your face so I better get your FaceTime call tonight. Charlie x  
_

Alex inhaled sharply and clicked his phone off. He slid it inside his pocket and glanced over to Zach. 

”Let’s go.”


	3. I can strain pasta.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Zach grocery shop and Zach cooks dinner.  
> Alex doesn’t know how he feels.  
> And Zach finally talks about the summer after he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot of stuff happened personally and it took a while for me to find time to write but here it is! Imma write more tonight so another chapter might be coming but comment please and let me know what you guys are thinking so far!

Zach felt anxious. Like almost jumpy kind of anxious. Like he might say the wrong thing and Alex would rather call a Lyft or even walk to get away from him. 

He got it. Alex didn’t exactly throw trust around like confetti. He was someone who needed it to build and have some stability and well... Zach hadn’t given him that. 

”We coulda’ just ordered pizza or something.” Alex said as Zach pushed the cart down the aisle. 

He scoffed and gave his friend a sideways glance, “I promised you a cooked meal.” Zach said, reaching for a box on the shelf. He casually tossed it and grinned when Alex scrambled to catch it. “plus I so want to show off my cooking skills.” 

Alex sighed and put the pasta in the cart, he raised a brow, “Since when do you cook?” 

This made Zach anxious because well, “It’s something I picked up this summer.” Zach nervously chuckled at Alex’s caught off expression and rounded the corner for some produce. 

”I met some really cool people, dude.” Zach said, tossing a couple of tomatoes into a mesh bag, “Not as cool as you of course but some people who helped me with the shit I was dealing with.” 

Alex watched him put the tomatoes in the cart like it was the most fascinating thing ever. He nodded and Zach took that as a sign to continue, “I couldn’t really couch hop all summer so I found a place in New York that some college students were subletting for the summer so me and some other people rented it.” Great thing about Zachs mother. 

She could despise him and see him as a disappointment but she wouldn’t leave him stranded and broke. 

Not because she cared. But before a Dempsey being broke was bad for her name. 

Alex nodded and said nothing. Again. 

Zach grabbed a clove of garlic and some peppers, “My roommates were great, I had three of them. Simon, Lyla, and Matt—and we got along really great which I didn’t expect.” 

Alex said nothing. Again. Again. And zach swallowed hard, he didn’t realize that he’d been fiddling with the green pepper until Alex reached over and took it from him. 

”So they taught you to cook?” Alex asked. 

Zach let out a breath. He smiled and they moved to the salad section, “Matt did. He’s a chef and well—he’s a recovering addict. And at first, I kind of avoided him because well you know..” Zachs voice shook. 

”Because of Justin.” Alex said softly. 

Zach inhaled sharply and forced himself to exhale, he nodded and thought about Matt. He couldn’t help but laugh, “I didn’t expect him... it’s funny because like, picture this buff ass dude who’s all muscle and kind of looks like he’d kick your ass for breathing in the same room as him.” Zach remembered being a little intimidated when he first met the guy. 

”But he turns out to be a cinnamon roll.” 

This caused Alex to laugh and stop, he turned to Zach, “Cinnamon roll?” 

Zach laughed, he waved a hand and tugged at the grocery cart. “That’s what Lyla called him, apparently it’s a thing but whatever—but picture Matt okay? And than picture him whipping up food and baked goods in the kitchen... he completely shocked me because like, I never say this about another dude, but he was sweet as hell.” 

Zach grabbed some more stuff and smiled at the memory, he didn’t notice Alex watching him smile. 

“And he taught me to fucking cook some stuff—said that I could use it as something to keep me sober.” Zach remembered coming in from a walk one night and how frustrated he was. He’d walked by someone goofing off with their buddy in the park and he thought about Justin. 

They did that shit all the time.   
And all Zach wanted was to drink and getting back to the place he couldn’t even call home yet. He wanted it even more and threw open the fridge and searched for something to down. 

He hadn’t noticed Matt at the counter slicing some potatoes. He only noticed him when the man told him that Lyla and Simon kept their shit in a fridge in their rooms. 

Zach remembered slamming the fridge and hating himself because he was tempted to break into his roommates rooms. And maybe Matt saw that desperation because he told Zach to come. He told him to chop some onions and mushrooms. 

And Zach almost laughed and stocked off.   
If only he wouldn’t have landed in his roommates rooms at their mini fridges. 

”He cooked to keep sober?” Alex asked. 

Zach smiled and shrugged, he glanced over to Alex who had leaned his arms on the cart and listened intently. ”He never said but I’m guessing it helped him.”

Matt was a great friend. He helped Zach and was probably one of the few reasons he managed to stay away from the bottle. 

”Anyway, he taught me some of the stuff I know. Which isn’t a lot but I’m kinda decent.” Zach said casually, he rounded another corner and tossed some stuff in. “Anyway Matt’s great and we’re still friends. He got offered a job though and haven’t really seen him since.”

He still talked to Matt. A lot actually. Just not in person and over the phone. 

”He sounds great.” 

Zach took some stuff from the cart and swiped through the self checkout, he thought about Matt and the rest of the roommates. He barely caught the bag of lettuce and he scoffed at the dancing grin on Alexs face. 

Zach couldn’t help it, he grinned back and snatched the tomatoes from Alex who shook his head and pushed the cart a little. 

Zachs eyebrows flew up and he gasped, “Standall—,” Alex nudged the cart again and chuckled when Zach skidded and gave Alex this pair of wide eyes that sent Alex into a fit of giggles. 

”I’m tryna’ feed you so if I end up in the hospital, you’ll probably starve—so cut it out.” 

Alex stifled his giggles and delicately passed Zach a bag of flour, a noise that couldn’t have come from a grown young man, escaped Alex when Zach snatched it.

”Oh hurry up. I wanna hear more about your summer—specifically Lyla and Simon, were they as great as Chef Man Matt?” Alex asked, nudging Zach as he passed him with the cart, he pushed it to a station and came back to zach. 

He’d managed to slip all of their grocery totes onto both arms and the way he grinned made Alexs mouth tug into a matching one. 

Zach beamed at the success and they set off to the car, it was nice— when they got there, Alex slipped the totes off of Zachs arms. 

”Oh wow, a gentleman.” Alex said as Zach closed the trunk and went around to Alex’s side to open the door. 

”I’m obviously aiming to please, Standall.” Zach teased, he shut the door just as Alex’s face flushed an abnormal shade of red.

————

Alex offered to take the groceries in, or try to help at least but Zach scoffed and basically shooed him inside the apartment lobby. It was amusing to watch Zach try and open the door to the building and he might've let him struggle for a second longer than needed before kicking open the door and letting him inside. 

Alex felt like maybe he could do this, maybe he could get past this evening and the more time he spent with Zach, maybe things would be easier and the memory of what happened in the bathroom would fade into just nothing. He missed Zach and this had been great, so far at least, they'd driven over to Zachs apartment stopped for something to snack on and it'd been good. 

Really good actually. Laughs. Lots of em’.

"Oh fucking hell," Alex mumbled when seeing the elevator, he clicked the button and explained to his friend, "My damn building doesn't have one and I've got to walk a shit ton of stairs to get to my dorm." And of course Alex knew that he could probably just tell the disability services and they'd sort it out but he'd already been moved to a different dorm twice because he'd preferred a single instead of having a roommate and than the one they'd put him into before had been on the wrong campus and well... it was a progress. "Yes, I'll sort it out if it becomes a real problem for me.” 

Zach snickered at how predictable he was—because yeah, he was so going to just dive in on Alex telling someone he needs better accessibility. 

Alex watched Zach happily hum as the elevator went up and the two stepped out on the fifth floor and set on down the hall. 

”My keys are in my pocket,” Zach said, shifting the groceries away to give Alex some space. 

It was then that Alex realized what he wanted him to do. Alex hated this. Fuck he’d been a cripple in front of Zach, he’d damn gotten a boner against him, he’d kissed him for god sakes. He needed to pull it together. 

Thank god Zach didn’t notice the minutes he spent trying to hide a stupid girlish blush after he’d opened the door for Alex. 

Alex wanted to sum it up to being a gay thing—or bi or whatever he was. But he’d spent a few nights at Clays and he’d actually had to shower with him. Sure, Alex wore clothes but Clay fucking didn’t. And he felt nothing helping him wash vomit out of his hair and face while naked. 

There had been accidental touches because Clay was drunk and his shower was small but Alex still never felt any blood rushing to his cheeks or any other regions.

”Losing circulation here,” Zach said, jiggling his grocery totes clad arm.

Alex swallowed and he nodded, he reached forward and dipped his hand into Zachs front pocket. He steered his fingers gently and almost let out a curse because damn Zach, his wallet and various change seemed to be in this pocket as well.

Alex felt an unwelcoming rush of heat course through his body as he felt Zachs breathing on the side of his face. He almost fumbled a little but managed to snag on a key ring. 

Alex wasn’t sure how he got that apartment door open so fast but he did. And he completely distracted himself with looking around and praying that there wasn’t an awkward flush on his neck or face.

“Welcome to my new home,” Zach said from behind Alex. the voice startled him and he almost spun right around and into a grocery tote free Zach. 

”You’re jumpy,” Zach commented, he smiled as Alex scurried backwards like a mouse. He narrowed his eyes at him and bumped shoulders with him as he walked past to the counter. 

Zachs apartment was spacious and nice. Empty and a little lacking in personal touch but Zach would soon make a home for himself, it was one of the things Alex loved about him. 

He could make a sucky situation into a slightly less sucky situation. 

”Alright my man, let’s make some pasta and I’ll tell you more about this summer.” 

Alex turned around and met Zachs eyes, he stood at the island now and their grocery haul spread out on the counters behind him. He gestured to the stool near the island and Alex sat. 

Zach would notice he did so in a timid mouse kinda way again. 

”Lyla and Simon....” Zach hummed as he thought and unwrapped some of their supplies. He laid some tomatoes out and grabbed a cutting board. “so I’m like 99.9% sure that they were banging but it wasn’t confirmed while I lived there so.....” 

Alex watched Zach work at the tomatoes and raised his eyebrows, not only did he dice them in cubes all nice and shit but also quickly and smoothly. 

”Lyla was funny as hell, dude. She made me laugh so much and it was weird because it kinda felt like she wasn’t a chick—felt like I was with one of the boys. But not in an sexist kinda way, just I dunno, easy and kinda effortless?” Zach said, he slid the tomatoes into a sauce pan on the stove. 

Alex watched him abandon them and work some garlic. For a minute, he felt bitter. Jealous almost. This Lyla girl who made it so easy and effortless for Zach.... but also forced himself to shut up and listen. 

”Anyway, her and Simon both total film geeks so we watched so many movies... even freaky foreign ones that I so didn’t get but they seemed to like?” Zach pressed the knife down flat against the garlic, “Basically watched movies on weekends because it was easier than going out to find booze or some shit I could snort.” 

Alex leaned an elbow on the island and slid his hand under his chin, he nodded his head and listened. He listened and watched. He even ignored the vibration from his phone in his pocket. 

”Guessing Matt told them but I didn’t give a shit, just made it easier to deal and made life better.” Zach slid an onion Alex’s way, “Peel the outer layer off for me,” he thinly sliced the garlic and continued, “I’m not saying this to hurt you either. But honestly, it was so much easier to try and get better when they didn’t know me or the shit I went through.” 

Alex got that. He did. And he wished he didn’t because it’d be easier to be mad about that. And it’d be easier to use that as an excuse to cut Zach off. 

Instead of the possibility of him being attracted to him. 

Because why would Alex be stupid enough to let that happen? Did he not kiss Zach and did Zach not tell him right away that he didn’t like guys like that? Did he not shut the possibility down as soon as Alex’s feelings started to happen?

”I didn’t mean to cut you off, man. I honestly felt like shit for leaving you—you guys in the first place—and I wanted to keep in touch but I messed up.” Zach said quietly, he went to the sink and filled a pot, he put it on the stove and returned to the island. 

Alex silently passed him the damn onion. 

”Jessica should fucking hate me. And I didn’t just leave her during a shitty time, I left Clay too. I wasn’t there for him and he lost his brother.” Zach cut into the onion and sliced, “It makes me feel worse because I lost a brother too. Justin was my brother and I coulda’ helped Clay cope...” Zach trailed off, the knife stilled in his hand, “Coulda’ both gotten sober maybe.” 

Alex kept his eyes on the knife in Zachs hand, he saw the trembling fingers and stood up out of his stool. He made his way to Zach and closed his hand over his, it wasn’t even something he thought about. 

He just gently took the knife from the boy, ignoring the heat he felt in the tips of his fingers when brushing against Zachs. 

”I’ll probably suck but sit for a second,” Alex murmured gently. He sliced the damn onion and they both stood and sat quietly for a moment. 

The only sounds occupying the room being Zachs inhaling and exhaling breaths and the knife in Alex’s hand sliding through the onion and against the chopping board.

He might be trying to figure his shit out and the feelings he had or might have, but he would focus on the important things first. 

Zach and the loss of his brother.   
Again, Alex might’ve not been Justin’s biggest fan but he meant everything he said that night at the hospital.   
he loved Zach. And that love might be something more complicated than he thought but he loved Zach and Zach loved Justin. So that was that. 

Zach sucked in one final breath and exhaled before standing, he tried for a weak chuckle and said, “Here lemme do this, I don’t want to bite into an onion the size of my toe.” 

  
Alex hesitates before passing Zach the knife, he slowly puts it in the boys direction but remains standing.

”Let me help,” Alex said.   
“Stir the pasta in,” Zach said quietly. He gestured to the stove and passed Alex a wooden spoon. 

”I’m really glad you had your roommates, Zach.” He meant it, he seriously did. Did Alex wish he could’ve been there to help Zach? Yeah but Alex couldn’t be bothered because Zach seemed better. He seemed like he could handle the shit they’d went through.

”They were really great, Alex. I know you’d love them,” Zach said, he came around to the stove and stirred in the onions that Alex had kinda botched. 

Alex stirred the cooking pasta and apart of him wanted to tease Zach about his ability to do something a bit more challenging but he saw the boys face. 

He could see that Zach was still thinking about Justin. 

”They sound cool.” Alex said quietly. He glanced to Zach who stirred his tomato sauce and nodded. 

”They were. They showed me some places that I could have fun in without being surrounded by drugs and shit.” Zach said, he turned the knob on the stove and let the tomato sauce bubble. 

Alex watched the bubbles and found himself asking something that he didn’t even register. Maybe it’d been on his mind. 

”And uh—the girls? Did you meet one during those couple weeks?” It was awkward and Alex hated that he wanted to even ask. 

Zach reached over and clicked the burner with the pasta pot off. Alex kept stirring and he cleared his throat as Zachs chest came close to his face. Zachs body radiated heat and Alex forced himself to breathe. 

”Nope,” Zach murmured. He leaned over to the counter for the pasta strainer, when he pulled back, he realized his face hovered above Alexs chin. 

“Just pour the pasta into the strainer and we’re gonna put some butter in,” Zachs voice was quiet and it sounded soft yet rough and Alex had to force himself to blink and focus on the hot stove instead of the hot body close to his. 

It was that thought that shook Alex from the fucking gazing at someone who wasn’t his boyfriend or even into guys.

”I know how to strain damn pasta, Zach.” Alex hoarsely said. He stepped back and he cleared his throat. He gestured for Zach to make space and he lifted the pot and strainer to the sink. 

Alex watched the pasta water drain and he scoffed to himself, he stood at that sink for a moment longer than needed and cursed under his breath. 

He turned back around and put the pot of pasta onto the island. He avoided Zachs eyes and made himself busy with the butter. 

”What if you fall off the wagon? What if things get difficult? Do you really see yourself sticking it out here?” Alex asked. 

Zach who flicked the burner with the sauce off, bit his lip, he wrapped a cloth around the pan and walked on over next to Alex.

He poured the tomato sauce into the pot and he let out a breath and stared straight at Alex. 

Alex swallowed and it felt like Zachs answer took forever to come.

but when it did, Alex swore it was worth it.

”I see myself sticking it out here for you.”


End file.
